FROM SIBLING RIVALRY TO SIBLING HARMONY.
Families are adjusting to the home environment being the nexus of activity . This means that siblings are now having to learn to engage with each other more frequently and in closer quarters. One of the effects of this is sibling rivalry. There is no magic formula to make sibling conflict disappear. As long as there is more than one child in a home , conflict is unavoidable. This can be exhausting for parents having to navigate teasing, hitting, bickering. Playing referee daily could cause any parent to throw their own tantrum and scream out loudly JUST STOP IT. Today we are going to explore MANAGING sibling relationships so that we can cultivate harmony.
Let's start with the causes of Sibling Rivalry. It can be a response to a particular need/situation or establishing their sense of mental, emotional and physical territory in the family dynamic
EXAMPLES AND CAUSES
Next
FROM RIVALRY TO HARMONY
NOTICING PATTERNS
It is important for parents caregivers and teachers to put on an investigators cap in order to understand the patterns arising in sibling relationships as well as any role an adult may be playing. When does the behaviour shift ? Is it at a particular time of day or during a particular activity? . Are conflicts more likely right before bedtime or mealtime ? WHAT , WHEN , WHO & WHY can help you understand the dynamic particular to your environment . From there you can better manage the situation and adjust routines.
NO FAVOURITES
Playing Favourites starts off with comparisons and continues with labels . It may begin with your brother is really good at science- why can't you ?. Look at your sister she did her home work ? Look at what a well - behaved child your brother is? As we compare we unconsciously begin to label children as the science wiz, or the creative, the quiet one, the trouble maker etc.
Favouritism also shows up when a parent views one of their children as a " Mini Me". There is a sense of identification when a parent sees a child mirroring their attributes and consequently a closer relationship established.
When we play favourites we set up a play book for seeking approval and attention through competition which can exacerbate rivalry.
SET UP MINI PLAY DATES WITH EACH CHILD
If possible carve out time for each child. Each parent can spend one on one time with each child on a regular basis. You and I Play dates can be 15 minutes to 30 minutes long. Use the time to connect as well as to inquire as to their relationship with other siblings, likes and dislikes. As always it is vital to listen with your eyes, ears, and heart. Celebrate their individuality without comparing or labelling and enjoy the space to know your child and to have them know you on your playdate.
ESTABLISH FAMILY VALUES
Establishing Family Values is a great way to start the discussion on how we would like to relate to each other as a family. This helps communicate in advance the behaviours we want to foster in our family. Include everyone in discussions about what values should exist in your family and how your family wants to treat each other. Make it a creative activity where you make something together and place it in a prominent space in your home. You can reference “family values” when children fight or do not treat each other with respect. Including consequences to not honouring the values is also helpful to ensure that what is agreed on is practiced.
TEACH EMPATHY THROUGH NEUTRALITY
Empathizing without taking sides can help children to feel seen and understood. Children are not always able to communicate what they feel. They are building emotional intelligence with every situation and they need help with understanding and communication their feelings. For example . Squabbles over what to watch on TV are common. A parent saying "It sounds like you would like to enjoy some time doing one of your favourite things . You really love that TV show don't you. Your brother also wants to watch his favourite show . That's is a tough one. I wonder how we can solve this ?"
It's natural to want to rush in to correct, however coaching from the sidelines and collaboratively is more effective. Remember that you are also teaching through your reactions and demonstrations so in keeping balanced and coaching with statements of empathy you open the gateway to helping them resolve conflict in themselves and in the home.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Accept the fact that siblings will fight, and there will be times when they seem to do everything they can to be mean to one another . They are looking for parental attention as well as establishing their territory.
It is not uncommon for siblings to declare great love for each other and one minute later pinch their sister or brother. Though your heart is warmed when they are getting along harmoniously don't be discouraged by the rivalry.
These strategies offered are both preventative and responsive.
1. Observing Patterns and making suitable shifts in routines
2. Not Playing Favourites.
3 .Setting Aside Time for each Child
4. Establishing Family Values for relating to one another
5. Teaching Empathy through Neutrality
The key is always consistency.
Happy to be of Service
Next Week
Creating Space in " imposed" togetherness
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